I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
