sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
