My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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