Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
