It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
