**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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