I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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