OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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