something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Sext me about skeletons
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
