walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
