I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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