Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
