Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
