Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
