I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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