hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
