You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
