I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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