Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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