Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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