HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
