Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize