my mouth tastes like poor choices
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
