My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize