i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
