omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
