All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Randomize
