So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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