You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
My ass is underappreciated
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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