Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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