vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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