please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
