Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
