dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
