I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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