Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
