my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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