He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
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