as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
