Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
