1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Randomize
