When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
we're making bets on your personal life
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
