Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
