I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
