I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
