dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
