Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I have aggressive nipples.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
