Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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