I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Randomize
