three words: i give head
three words: not that well
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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