Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
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