And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
