i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I want her autograph on my taint
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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