hotel room ftw
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
