We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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