I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
