btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I need a burrito and a hug.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
