i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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