Got a toothbrush?
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
