you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Randomize
